Boot Sequence // Press DEL to enter setup
Running startup diagnostics...
System Summary
Technician
Kevin "MacDaddy" — Level 99 Helpdesk Sorcerer
Primary Skills
Turning it off and on again, cable whispering, printer exorcisms, asking "did you reboot" with decreasing sincerity
Secondary Skills
Locating the person who "didn't change anything" and staring at them until they confess
Supported Platforms
Windows, mystery laptops, haunted desktops, emotionally fragile Wi-Fi, that one PC nobody is allowed to touch
Boot Priority
Coffee > sarcasm > diagnostics > miracles > explaining what a browser is again
Uptime Guarantee
Until somebody clicks the email that starts with "CONGRATULATIONS YOU HAVE WON"
Threat Detection
Finds the coworker who said "I didn't change anything" and also downloaded a screensaver in 2009 that is still running
Memory Test
Memory Test: 0 MB
Printer Status
OFFLINE (preferred state)
User Fault Rating
97% — User
Available Services
> Emergency reboot counseling (yes, again)
> Printer negotiation, diplomacy, and last rites
> Virus removal — including whatever you got from downloading "free RAM"
> Password reset therapy for people who JUST changed it yesterday
> Network repair after someone "cleaned up" the server closet with good intentions and zero knowledge
> Business-class panic management for when Outlook blinks funny
> Desktop decluttering — 400 icons is not a filing system, it is a cry for help
> File recovery for documents named final_final_REALfinal_USETHIS_v3b.docx
> Explaining what "the cloud" is for the 14th time this fiscal year
> Grief counseling when Windows updates during a presentation
POST Messages
[ OK ] Keyboard detected
[ OK ] Mouse detected
[ OK ] Kevin detected (mood: exhausted)
[ OK ] Coffee reserves nominal
[ WARN ] User claims they already rebooted
[ WARN ] 17 Chrome tabs identified as "work critical"
[ WARN ] USB detected: 4GB drive, one photo from 2014, nothing else
[ WARN ] User has been warned about the suspicious email. Twice. Opened it anyway.
[ FAIL ] Printer morale: below threshold. Below any threshold. Printer has given up.
[ FAIL ] Desktop icon density: critical. Taskbar cannot breathe.
[ FAIL ] Someone named a folder "New Folder (47)"
[ FAIL ] Found Ask Jeeves toolbar. Year: ????
[ INFO ] Applying percussive maintenance protocol
[ INFO ] Blame redirected. User confirmed.
Instructions
Use arrow keys to navigate your bad decisions.
Press ENTER to submit a ticket.
Press ESC to pretend the problem fixed itself.
Press F5 to refresh the situation out of existence.
Type help, fix printer, kevin, macdaddy, or sudo for secret commands.
Konami code unlocks God Mode. Kevin will be disappointed in you.
Disclaimer
MacDaddy Pro Services accepts no liability for damages caused by: energy drinks in keyboards, naming files final_final_REALfinal.xlsx, unplugging the router "just to dust behind it," spinning in the server room on a chair, responding YES to all Windows prompts, storing 14GB of photos on C:\, screensavers installed in 2009 that are "probably fine," or any description of a fully functioning computer as "broken" because the screensaver activated. We especially disclaim the printer. The printer is beyond our jurisdiction now.
Totally Professional Support Options
> Business support line: busy. Always busy. Perpetually busy.
> Emergency escalation path: Kevin's personal cell. He hates this.
> Enterprise printer support: thoughts, prayers, and percussive maintenance
> Password reset hotline: please just write it down this time
> Ticket portal: click here to formally document that this was user error
> After hours support: technically yes. Spiritually no.
:(
Your business PC ran into a problem and needs MacDaddy Pro Services.
We're collecting error info, and then Kevin will ask the three ancient questions: What changed? Did you reboot? Why is the printer making THAT noise specifically?
For the love of everything, stop clicking things while the bar is loading.
Fake QR Code
For More Panic
(do not scan)
For More Panic
(do not scan)
For support, call the guy everybody already texted first anyway.
Collecting error data: 0%
Stop code: IT_MEME_OVERLOAD_EXCEPTION
What failed: user.exe (version: overconfident)
Press BIOS Mode when you have emotionally processed what you did.
NO OS FOUND
Insert bootable media containing common sense and press ENTER.
Alternatively, accept that somebody saved the OS on the desktop.
The system attempted recovery. It found 48 copies of final_final_v2_REALfinal_USETHIS_FORREAL_FINAL.docx and gave up.
Secondary diagnostic: someone deleted System32 because it "seemed like junk."
Tertiary diagnostic: recycle bin not emptied since the Obama administration.
Press ENTER or click above when the office has collectively taken a breath.